Preparing to Say Goodbye (Part II)

Time was inconsequential but I found my eyes constantly fixed on the clock. 7:54am. I was quietly thinking about my unmade coffee. The can, unopened near my kitchen sink. The phone buzzing on my nightstand. “Hi, Mrs. Martinez… this is….” The whirlwind of the morning juxtaposed against the stillness of the room brought me back to the present.

It felt like death was already in here.

I cleared my throat and stood up, hopeful to shake of the feeling of something dark lurking between my dad and me. I broke the silence. “Hey, Dad. Still here,” I quietly told him as I made my way over to the other side of his bed. I gently smoothed his hair, running my fingers through his lost curls. “It’s early… You guys have coffee in this joint, or what?” I asked with a smile. His finger on his left hand bounced up a down, twice. Now a third time. Wow. I kept talking. “I was making coffee when I got the call from … what was her name? Julie? Yes. Julie. She told me you were…” and I couldn’t bring myself to say it. His finger remained motionless, resting atop his other hand. Change the subject, you idiot. Don’t talk about death. “Max and Jack are.. umm..” I’m fumbling over my words now. “… They are so ready for thanksgiving. Can you believe their school is closed for an entire week? Insanity, right?” I watched his breath rise and fall in his chest and my eyes filled with tears. You wanna know what’s more insane, I thought, silently to myself … is that I know death is in here. It’s coming. And me talking about Thanksgiving won’t save you. I gently rubbed his arm. “Just insanity.”

I figured I should start making some phone calls. Can Julie do this for me? I thought as I searched in my bag for my phone. I’ve already notified my mom (who was on her way down) and his siblings (who also should be arriving momentarily). I sent very brief texts to my friends and a few to his. Looking back on this now, I think my denial was there as a shield. A protecting layer of comfort. If I don’t tell people, maybe this isn’t happening.

There was a soft knock on the door and as I turned to greet the knocker, my heart dropped. It was my mom. And I have never seen so much sadness on one persons face. It was as if she was carrying our entire journey with her as she walked in to the room.

“Oh my God,” she whispered as she looked at my dad and then to me. “Frankie,” she whispered as her eyes met the floor.

Their love story is something I hold on to in hopes to prove there is still good in the world. My dad loved my mom unconditionally, fiercely and out loud. If you knew Frank, than you knew Susie through him. He loved her with the purest, most beautiful and gentle love that I have ever witnessed. And when I saw the look on her face as she entered his quiet room, we both knew thier love story was ending. I hugged her as she sobbed. I told her everything I knew about his last few hours and then three of us were together again. In the silence, in the morning light and in the knowingness that this would be the last time the three of us ever shared space.

Soon, another knock. It was Julie. Her blonde hair was tied back and she covered from her head down to her feet in PPE (personal protective equipments - basically the “stuff” all doctors and nurses wore when we were in the thick of covid). I wonder what her smile looked like and if she took care of my dad on the regular. I hadn’t met her if she did but I also haven’t been inside my dads facility for months. “Hi Mrs… I mean, Rachael. How are you guys doing? Mrs. Baffa, i’m so so sorry this is how you are starting your day.” She said with sweet eyes peering over her mask. “Hows Frank?” She questioned as she pumped two handfuls of sanitizer in her hands before rubbing them together and grabbing gloves from the wall. “He looks… calm,” She added. My mom and I watched as she checked his vitals, checked his oxygen tank and readjusted his blankets. “Do either of you have any questions? Can I get you anything?”

“Julie,” I said, “I need you to shoot it to me straight,” I told her. “When you called me this morning, you told me he was …” I change my volume, a quieter voice now “…dying. And right now, I don’t see him actively trying to leave this planet. How will we know?”

There was a long pause and her beautiful blue eyes looked intently at mine as she said,” Rachael, you will know.” I wasn’t sure if I felt validated or blown off but either way I had no follow up questions but I continued to look at her. “You’ll know.” She said again, quieter this time. I could see a contained smile behind her mask via her eyes as if trying to provide some solace. “What can I get you now?” she questioned.

“Coffee would be greatly appreciated,” I said as she walked towards the door… “oh, and Julie, I would also love a manual on how to help my dad die… that would be appreciated too.”

I looked back at my dad as Julie left. His eyes were open and he was looking unshakably at me.