Saying Goodbye (Part IV)
The day continued to unfold with more of the same. Julie continued to pop in and out, checking vitals and monitoring Frank’s fever. Residents of my dads facility came in to pay their respects and say goodbye as he fell in and out of sleep. As I watched the comings and goings, I couldn’t help but be plagued with gut punching questions of: does he know he’s dying? Does he understand what’s happening? Is he scared? Is this how it’s supposed to end? These unanswerable inquiries continue to swirl though my conscious mind as I drift back to the morning and phone call no one ever wants to receive. “Mrs. Martinez… this is Julie,” I remember her breathless request from the other end of the phone. I had found out that my dad had chocked on his dinner the night before and when they went in to his room, early this morning - he was unresponsive. Hence the phone call. But he’s responsive now. He’s awake. He’s even taking little sips of water from a spoon. This had to be a joke. A very cruel joke.
Dr. V, my dads trusted GP, approached me as I sat in the hallway waiting for the nurses to finish changing my dad. I was deep in thought and didn’t realize he was there until he gently touched my shoulder. “Hi Rachael,” he said with a kind smile. “I was just in there with your dad and he….”
“They said he was dying,” I cut him off. “Tell me,” I demanded. “Is this it?” The look on the Dr’s face was disbelief and understanding all rolled in to one. “Whats happening??” I questioned. I could tell my tone was abrasive but at this point, I didn’t care. I was exhausted. I was drained. And I was terrified.
“The food he had for dinner last night went down the wrong pipe, so to speak. It’s difficult to say if he was able to clear it from his esophagus himself. I see in his chart that no measures were taken, he didn’t need CPR or anything of that sort this morning. But, Rachael,” he paused, “I can’t tell you what’s going to happen because I don’t know. I will say - him being alert and able to have small bits of water is a good sign.”
“So the call this morning?” I pressed. “Telling me to come down right away because he was dying… What the HELL was that about?”
“Rachael, no one wants that call. And no one wants to the the person calling. The facility was following protocol and,” he gently smiles now, “you are in here after months! So thats a plus, right?” I was enraged.
“A PLUS??” I scoffed. His eyes grew wider and I took a deep breath. “Look, Dr. V. I”m sorry i’m being - actually. No. This is a normal response. I’m sorry I raised my voice. But I just want some answers.”
“Do you want us to try and give him a little food and see how he tolerates it?” he questions.
“I don’t know,” I responded. Dropping my head in to my hands. “I don’t know. I don’t know.” He sat next to me, motionless. “I just want to do the right thing,” I added.
“Let’s give it a shot. Maybe this was just a blip.” He placed his hand back on my shoulder, offering some comfort. “I can’t say one way or another, but I would like to try,” he continued. I looked up at him. “Oh, and by the way - would be great if you’d put on the PPE. There is still a chance your dad has COVID.
“I don’t want to be in there when you do,” I told him. “I can’t see him choke. And I support your efforts in giving it a go. But I just can’t see it,” I clarify, completely ignoring his suggestion to protect myself from the virus. I’m so thankful that I had the rapport I did with Dr. V.
“Lets do it,” he responds. And with that, he’s up and making his way to the nurses station, already talking to Julie. I see her nodding towards him. I didn’t get up. I didn’t move. I went back in to my own cluttered mind. Thoughts seemed to speed up and I felt a burst of anxiety. I better go in and kiss him. This could be it. I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer to anyone who was listening. Please just make it easy on him.
I approached my dads door and gently turned the handle. As I pushed through the curtain I was pleasantly greeted by my dad, awake, and sitting up a bit in bed. “Hey,” I whispered with a smile. He blinked slowly. He was so tired. “Dad, they’re going to try and give you a bit to eat. I’m going to step out when they do and grab a coffee. And then I’ll be back. I love you. I love you so much, Dad.” I bent down and kissed his forehead. He was hot. As I pulled back, Julie and Dr. V entered the room.
“Alright Frank,” Julie started. “We’ve got some banana and some mashed potatoes. Yum!” She placed the tray down and I slid back towards my dads feet. “You hungry?” she asked. My dad stared at her, zero reaction. He’s so tired. “Lets give it a shot.” I walked out of the room, down the hall and in to my car with tears streaming down my face.
By the time I came back, the sun had set. Would they let me back in? I opened the front, heavy glass doors and smiled at the receptionist, Amanda. “He ATE!” she blurted out. “He ate an entire banana,” she continued as I reached for the pen. I stopped.
“What?” I heard and understood what she said, but I had no other words. This was great news. “He did?” She nodded with a huge closed mouth smile. I signed back in, smiled back and made my way down the hall, towards his room. 8:42pm, shit. I missed a call to the kids before bed. I reached the nurses station and Julie stood up to give me the news.
“Rachael, we may have jumped the gun this morning. He was able to swallow the pureed banana without any struggle and had a few bites of the potatoes too!” It was like she was telling me she was the winner of this evenings Jeopardy. “He’s in great shape.” I smiled, and I felt the tears form in the back of my eyes. “He may already be asleep for the night, but you can peek in before we gently ask you to leave,” she said with a wink. I was speechless. I tuned on my heels and walked the few feet to my dads room.
I opened the door. I went in. And he was awake, staring blankly at the TV. “DAD!” I blurted out. “YOU ATE A BANANA,” I gasped! I squeezed his toes gently as I got close to him. “WOW! this is great…. maybe it was just a blip after all,” I added. I had the strangest feeling of calm rush over me. We are out of the woods. “You really scared me,” I said, instantly wanting to suck my words back in. When I looked up at him, perched upright in bed, I noticed a tear slowly falling from his right eye. And then his left. “Aw, Dad. You must have been really scared too,” I said, my hand wiping the tears from his soft face. “But you’re ok now. It was just a bad night. A scare.”
His eyes closed as my hands stayed on his face a little longer, gently touching his skin. Everyone at this facility loves him. I thought. Even Amanda, the receptionist was thrilled with this progress. I crawled up on to his bed, fitting myself between him and the grab bar to his left and I hugged him, fiercely. Just a blip.
Julie gently tapped on the door and opened it after a second or two. “Oh, look at this guy. Rachael, I’m going to think you already left, ok? Stay for a few more hours if you’d like - he’s awake. And after a day like today, I”m sure you two could use a little time to decompress.”
At 11:02, I walked out of my dads facility not knowing what was waiting for me in the days to come. At 11:02, as I turned my car on and took a big deep breath full of all the feelings and the sweetest exhaustion, I had no idea that in just 48 hours, my dad would die.
